regrets a harsh lesson-soften the heart

As I look into the year of 2010. It is evident that I am ready to face the regrets of 2009, 1989, 1992,2003 and know it was intended to give me a harsh lesson-"soften THE HEART". My daughter told me a few weeks ago "mom I don't get why some people think you are bold or abrasive" Which told me I did something correct. I am a good mom whom can mascarade her faults from her daughter and only allow her to see the love I carry for her. perhaps that is good or perhaps it is not. i am settled with she knows my heart and that is great news. Because my heart is for Jesus I just let my head get in the way.


When I think about me/ myself being described as bold or abrasive. I concur!!!!. I think some should be more and some should be less. I questioned is this how Jesus wants me to be. In looking back into 2009, I have been abrasive with co-workers, my husband, but I can justify on some times it was needed. Jesus was somewhat bold and abrasive in my opinion when he was teaching the (Read- he remarks where he is essentially questioning "their ignorance is frustrating to him" I can concur some things frustrate me and in the past years it has been my desire to get along with others and I am always concerned when others don't see or agree with my ideas, my thoughts, my plan. LEARNING TO ADAPT! I AM SO RITUAL IN SOME THINGS AND IN SOME SO RANDOM. So, when it means I must adjust my attitude to overcome the things I view as ritual like coustomer sevice,kindness mercy,compassion,giving, I become bold and abrasive when this area of my is challenged and I am less likely to be the popular one in the crowd. But, should I become popular or stay just as I am.

I firmly believe that the years as asingle mom the years as a divorced woman the years as a
daughter to an alcoholic father, the years spent trying to get myself where GOD wanted me is what has developed part of this defect AND YES @TIMES i CONCUR IT IS A DEFECT. I REALLY WANT OTHERS TO KNOW TAHT jESUS WAS ABRASIVE IN MY VIEW @ TIMES
but, read the text it was because those he was teaching were not understanding the full message he was delivering.

I vow to keep this defect between me and God so he can continue to help me come with an approach so others don't see me as abrasive but as firm for GOD.

I am so eager to please others!!! but that has slowly changed because it should be only to please God and I am going in that direction. I can be softer kinder and loving but the reality is "I must be abrasive with a christain approach and that will give me these attritbutes I am missing, which others see and I mascarade from my daughter.

I break ! you are broken

It has been a lengthy time since my last blog, but it was supposed to be my way of healing and I opted to put the band aid on for a while. Since then I have healed some and hence the blogging resumes. Today I par took of communion at Mosaic and it was awesome! We were instructed to refelct on the past year or so and see if we needed to settle issues of the head /heart (so to speak). I reflected and it felt relatively good to be at peace with some past difficulties. I saw my brother a little over a week ago. I was surprised at how easy it was to hug him and more surprised at how much relief I felt, as he left. Some family's have issues that are not easy to face and this past month I have faced fear like a lion. I am the leader of the pack in Gods view. He commanded me to settle issues and I would grow. WELL I LISTENED. I have questioned why I waited 4 years to act upon his commands in my life. It is simple I wa snot wear I needed to be in my realtionship with Christ for it to be settled in the method it should have been. I wanted to settle it coming out swinging,Christ wanted me to settle it with his method "coming out with love and forgiveness" I am now a firm beliver that God has this crazy kinda control over me that I really I see more and more " Is in the best interest of Sandy"

I also went to spend Christmas Eve with my in-laws this year and it was a good time. It has been 14 years since we spent Christmas eve together. I loved the smile on my husbands face and the one that came across his fathers /sisters and niece face when we showed up. I was most reluctant to even entertain this mingling with the inlaws (because of past pain from interaction with some of them) Again it was in the best interest of Sandy. A chess move so to speak! I am so grateful for the times I listen and act without hesitation.

I am proof if ever needed he will bring you through some really difficult times. So when you take communion. Is your head and heart clear. Don't waste 4 or 14 years trying to do it your way.

BECAUSE to be somewhat cliche communion is not a game it is for real. asked yourself this question if you were facing the choice to put your life down for someone you loved could it be or would it be like Christ did? For you must know he went with the attitude of I BREAK! you are broken.

I love this moment in time!!!!!!!!!!! I still have some issues to fix that are broken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the wait is over. I am working on them.