I did not invite you

Have you ever wandered why you have not been invited to something? To put it bold I did not want or care if you were their. My desires to do something is not revolved around if others are going to come or not. Christ only needs you, but you must listen and know @ times you need others.

I have this desire to just be alone with my God and although that is ok to some extent. It must only be when you are seeking his direction not when you are avoiding his direction. So don't justify avoiding someone under the authority of GOD. he does not speak that way.

We must invite those we have adversity with and welcome them to our table, to our life, to our home, to our soul, to our world. I am having such a difficult time in completing this now.

I am not in that room, because you are their. I am not in this room, because you are their. Avoidance is not inviting. It is destructive!!! To all your siblings your spouse your children your etc. It is mindfully and continuously headbreaking/heartbreaking.

I find being surrounded by something I desire to avoid, is not pushing through the direction God sent me. It is going around the direction. I will reach my destination, but I will not be reaching Gods destination.

Go spend time with the one you do not want to because if it is to resolve your heart must grow fonder of the person.

I want to invite those I do not desire to be with @ this point in my life, but in all honesty I can't get the invivtation out. I have closed myself off, I am seeking more daily to be alone and that is not Christ Like.

My pain is of the heart and the head is messing with it even more.

yet Christ speaks to me " If I did not invite you, where would you be now?"

I pray I send the signals of the invitation to those I avoid. I know it will bing me a sense of completeness, I just have to stop being senseless.

The cutter

Recently I had someone close whom I love dearly, revealed through others as a cutter.
Wow!
I instantly knew it is usually something traumatic that triggers this in people.
Jesus Christ took lashes cutting into his flesh for the love of us. Why would someone cut their self?

Not having the true love of Christ. Being surrounded by this emotion only peaceful love can give is diffuclt to find for some when your are scarred by the cuts in life.

I want to rescue this person and heal all the boo boo's and shake her. But,that is not what is required from me. I must sit silently. I am a fixer not a sitter!!

I so want to grab this person and hold them, but again all I can do is sit on it, awaitng the power of my God to intervene. I know he is working already because it is out 'the cutter revealed".

I see in my own life times where I was not actually known as the cutter, but in true reality I was this person in many ways.

We all think I would never do that but what you done that is self destructive.

An unevenly yoked marriage
A child born out of wedlock
A poor manager of your finances
A parent whom is so self absorbed

Cutting is not the only self destructive behavior and yet others are so quick to say "My child would never do that".

I pray that my God give me wisdom to help in some way and compassion to forgive the trauma of events that has caused this perosn I love, pain.

the lawn mower

I am washing my push lawn mower and realize if it could tell a story this is what it might say.

I require maintenance, I require to be started , I require to be push/pulled/ primed/ oiled, and engry juice in my tank. Before I can go cut a path or follow the path I am being directed. I even must be stored properly ( out of the storms).

my life is a push mower. i can't be the riding mower, I am not even the self propel mower. Yep I am the push mower.

I make a name for myself by the path I make and others even know me by a name. I eveny the beautiful yards and the perfect homes, but I know my limits and I am set to do the small jobs.

I like that I am green it reflects Gods nature and the refelction of he very path I seek.

My life will eventually stop as will the push mower, but the green will live for ever and ever.

I can leave the path 2 inches cut or waiste deep for others to follow.

Can you be a mower?

The Limited

It concerns me when I look at the sin of another and know God desires so much more for that person. I want to place a Limit on the poor choice and let them know this is who you are right now and this is what you can choose to safely do.

Why would I label it "The limited"? Simple you know what is to far when you know what your boundry is.

I myself have been looking @ my personal and professional goals, it is making me realize that I know whom I am and clearly understand when I am changing.

My choice of a career in nursing has been rewarding and I love almost all of it, but when it clashes with my love for God I must know and recognize "The Limited".

This week I was looking at some choices and realize I could have helped some indigent persons and choose a safer choice for my career. What that meant to me was I choose a career over my Love for God. In one simple choice I became burdened that God knew this and scolded me to the point that I was sad.

I Sandy became the person "The Limited". I realize what I can dabble with and what I can not touch. I can dabble with choosing to make alot of money but I must choose to take care of others with that choice,it can not be about me.

I was passed for a promotion this week and know it was because God was giving me the signs to say you are " The Limited". I can not work with the corporate world and follow my heart for others.

I want others to realize that a choice of defying God is a choice you will acknowledge eventually.

why your love does not change!

Almost one year ago I wrote about when your love must change and now it is about why your love does not change.


I am still trying to follow all the commands God places in my personal life and find this a burden with all honesty. But that is what is making me realize why your love does not change.


You must submit that if it is a burden or causes you to loose sleep,not smile as often ,or laugh as ofen; then it is a reason for " why your love does not change". I smile when smiled at ,laugh when other do. but the person I was used to be the one whom smiled first,laughed the most and truly just felt upbeat. When I began to realize that "my love must change and having been heavy hearted to fullfill this direction.It was obvious I was holding me back and signs begin to flash like the yellow caution to alert me use caution.

I often question things and have even quoted myself as having the Southern Baptist God given passage to "ask Why".

Like Moses I have become hardened in my heart, with this journey and even find myself seeking a burning bush for his direction in this saving of this season for me.

I am finding that God does not speak as clearly as he did and a scientist I am not but he gives me his wisdom and I do not apply it to this journey, to this season, to the steps I make daily. I do not hear as clearly, but I do see his path and it gives me this desire to close my eyes until morning. All the senses he gave us from dust is what is needed to make the journey about him. Some things I have seen makes me wish I did not hear either. But, I was meant to have every sense he gave me to build my character. It is these things that are needed for me to understand "why my love does not change"!

I came to the conclusion that my heart is hardened because I do not hug as often as I like to,I do not hold hands as often as I like to, I make some choices based upon what I see,not what he sees, I often make some choices based upon what I hear, not what he hears. My feelings are more important than understanding the feelings of others. I can carry my trash around and never discard some issues, But the sense to judge someone is so easy when you do not like what they are doing. I do not walk as often as I like. I am often sad and deny it to myself. I find some things hard to forgive and can't stop this internal arrgument with myself that God, has not told me it is ok. (it would not be an argument if were ok with God).

When i sat down to blog something was clear it was me and my failure to uses the senses he gave me to bring him glory was the message" that is why your love does not change. What goes in your mind is stored and feed by your heart.

So touch something that brings God glory, listen to something that makes you happy,kiss your child or spouse more often, look at things that bring GOD GLORY,walk in the path of righteous ness,hear what is good for your soul,mind and speak the same. When I master all these I believe my love will change, and I believe a hardened heart is not what Jesus desires. I will love with all my senses and live with all them as it is God desire for me.

Movies and the old black and white, still lives

I want to see an old movie, but I first have to buy a black and white TV. In the search of this quest,it has taken me down the merchandise isle and thrift stores and questioning what is the value of this stuff to others?

How many of you have ever seen Charlie Chaplin? I so want to kick like him with his wooden cane. His famous walk and the tip of his hat in those old black and white movies. I had a tee shirt with his picture it was cool to me others perceved it as old and outdated and perhaps odd. I did not really care about Calvin Klein, or name brand . I connected with old people, old things and to this day the old is what makes me feel young.

I recall the old black and white TV and even when we got our first one. I liked The Rascles, Andy Griffith Show,Shirley Temple, and the slap stick commedy of the 3 Larry ,Moe ,Curly moments. It was pure, clean and I laughed alot .

Something takes away from the original when we try to redo, what was working in the first round. That doesn't in any way reflect the need to connect with the new, the color is great, I love the recent 1980 (LOL) version of Sandlot. So progress is great!!

I often over think some things and under estimate God's desire for me to laugh. His desire is huge he wants joy and happiness,both of these come from LAUGHTER.

I don't need to here words from a huge screen to laugh,I just simply need to get back to what made me laugh in my youth, the old things brought me thus far and some things he doesn't necessarily deem it to be discarded nor does it need to be refrubished.

What he desires is that we take care of what he does give us. So perhaps if you still have a black and White TV, dust it off and plug it in.

Watch an old movie, laugh, and still live. but recall the junk of others should be regarded as a purpose for his desire. I will continue to be rustic in my taste for life, I only wish I could go back and walk this earth with Christ and laugh with him. I imagine him as slap stick commedy, Charlie Chaplin kinda guy in some ways, or even the 3 stuges when he spoke in parables, to his apostles.

he was a funny dude!!!

Now laugh at this moment and laugh often.

things I don't like and a reason to start loving them

I was driving home today with a car ,but no air. So, I rolled the windows down punched it to 65 MPH and the hand goes out my window " free to chase the wind", and pull it into my steam sauna for the route home.

My daughter has been blessed with a new car and air. She does not understand this concept of chasing the wind,and even retorically remarked it is crazy to have your arm out the window. Why do peolple do that ?Why mom Why??

Well my fortunate daughter most do it to get air, some do to it to feel the freedom that comes with your hand out of your window; up and down it goes like a roller coaster.

It's like a piece of nature that brings alot of fond memories back to me.

Going to the creek on the back of an old pick up truck, all 5 of us would pile into the back, and then simutaneously jump off to chase the hot red road to the cold water. Many summers were filled with whom could get in first and splash the other siblings. I really miss those innocense days we shared as small and young children.

You could not wait until the rain would fall and fill up the ditch, so we could play in the rain water. Why we did not get deathly sick is beyond me.

Our life was so simple and yet so complex!! many things I did not like and I even keep a mental list of them in my mind.

Sharing a bed on those hot summer day's was horrible, being the middle child,between 2 older/taller sisters had great advantages, but in the summer it had none.

I could never reach to get the plums as they ripened, before them, never could get to the creek first, always got the middle in our bed we shared.

My brother was almost 2 years my junior, we always spent time together.

My youngest sister was 6 years my junior and she was like an only child in some ways.

the memories best to recall, was the first of spring always filled us with family we would gather at the creek and hunt eggs. That was to the best of my recollecction always a fun day

Alot of my child hood memories were fond alot were not, but they were the building foundation Christ laid my path into.

So I stepped slowly and swayed alot. I may not have liked the hot summers or the plums I could not reach, even being in the middle of my bed during those hot summer days.

What I loved was it gave me glimpses of frames that fill my memories to this day and alot of laughter has been shared amongst my siblings over the years, at our percieved unfortunate childhood. I love all the memories because it is of God.

I am short because God choose it for me and my sisters are tall because god choose it for them.

My daughter hates to ride with her hand out a window,I love to

Things you may not like ,eventually you come to love through the repect of anothers view. Gods view !Gods purpose!

So chase the wind grab it and bring it into your life and the things you do not like will eventually bring a lesson into your life with a reason to love them.

humpty does not need dumpty! but how will he be put back together again

Stop! Red Rover! Red Rover!, send the ball and Sandy right over. the riddles we learn and recite from school year- to summers end ;as children it is our passage from youth to teenager and simply put part of the southern life style in raising your children ; these are life stories, we just stop saying them and live them as we get older. But yet we remember them and reminence with fond memories, when you walk through Books A Million.

Jack fell down! Jill came to his rescue!
the wheels on the bus go round and round!
the three little pigs!
goldie locks etc

and then there is Humpty Dumpty!!

Gee I just loved that short rhyme it was my favorite and today I can't recall it. Not a good sign! LOL---.... Why......-----.Just older and it is not like riding a bike, I can't pull out the training wheels to help me. I know thank you for good search .com

As a parent whom got some of it right and yet alot of it wrong on this journey, I am questioning
how simple it would be to tell our children a riddle or childhood rhyme and relate this to Christ;securing it in their mind for life. Like me @ age 43 I have vidid memories of me and my
freinds playing duck -duck- goose- (the chase was on)with one touch. I want others to get that one touch that will give them the adrenaline to do the chase for Christ, it must start as a a child.

How easy it is to play Jack and Jill in this role of life: the one we love falls and we come to their rescue. When they are in need we can so easily become their enabler, hence the wheels on the bus go round and round (we chase the dream for them). Just remember the way we portray our role in their life will teach them how the story will end. They do not need to chase the destination it is always being chased for them. Lay it at the alter, leave it their. You are not the fixer or the resoulution, only the eyes and ears for God to work through your heart on this earthly. destination.

I think of the 3 bears and Goldie Locks and flashes in my mind give me pictures and words with a tainted painful visions. I reflect upon broken familys, divorce, all knowing that the drug dealer tries it, then sells it, and then settles to it is his way of life, his rescue, his perfect poriage pudding, his perfect baby bear, where he/she finds the comfort. Likewise, they are also like the 3 little pigs building their house of straw,mud, and they think the brick will keep the wolf away. We must let them know the brick(the drug) only keeps Christ away and they are building a home for the wolf to reside in and eventually even the brick will crumble.

Lastly, as a parent you will have those times of feeling like your children have become humpty sitting onthe wall or dumpty fallen from the wall. As a mom or dad through Christ we will be held accountable before the master one day and he gives us the king; his son, and he gives us his horses; the word, how we use them will put all things back together again ,no wall will be the obstacle. No matter if the are sitting upon it or leaning upon it; you are not the rescuer. We are commander to be the relayer!

the words of God directs us raise them in the path and they will come back.

I want the riddles we tell our children to be of signifcant impact and not only child's play.

the next time you think of your own childhood and the rhymes, know things will be the same in the books as we get older.

their is always some one falling away, trying for the bigger and better ,thinking they have kept the wolf away. Simply realize in the end I want to stand before my King knowing "I tell them relevant things in life matter and fiction is not in his words.

Live out loud the rhymes/riddlesor the stories that build a beautiful mind!!! a creative spirit!!!!! and that will bring them back to the path of truth.

I am a better mom and all is to his glory.

LUPUS consume me Love surrounds me.

On a very personal view I am blogging about Lupus and a recent loss of an aunt( by marriage until the divorce). What the heck I still called her aunt. She was young and has struggled alot over the last few years, with medical issues. I can so identify with her because we share the same disease and I on a very personal level understand the pain she was in and the choice to simply survive.

If you have never read about this disease and the effects it reaks havock on the person and drains the family. The disease was known as "the wolf" it slowly attacks your body and then it devours the organs @ least in its worst form. I have been blessed in many aspects to have limited adverse effects of this disease.

But for the grace of Christ it will not devour my spirit. Perhaps I may need medicine for the ill effects I seem to be experiencing and although I am not opposed it just takes alot to convince me I need it.

This disease is my burden/ my cross, and I will carry it ;just as my aunt did. She loved her children and raised them with love. My cousins are 2 really great kind people!! She allowed Love not Lupus to surround them to the best that she could. Sure she had many really bad days and I can understand them while others may not. I do!

Never let it consume you let it surround you and LOVE consume you.

place your fears and needs in the hands of Christ and you will face any obstacle differently.

Elaine Thanks you for the memories ! rest in peace, he has you now.


Iwith GOD. So I only grieve for a time.

you look beautiful tonite,but where is the beauty

Have you ever thought" I hope my children if and when I do have them ,are pretty babies"?

Sure you have don't lie. I am blesssed to have a beautiful child and tonite she is going to the prom all the sequins on her tangerine dress combined with all the jewely and the hair fixed perfectly.

She flips that candide smile as she did when she was age 2,and off she goes to explore this new day, this new season.

I say to myself but where is the beauty. It is so evident and wrapped within her I can't believe she is my child.

She is in many ways so innocent to the ugliness of this world and thank the Lord for that.

The most important thing I pray for her is that the inward beauty "Christ" will show as
always to out shine any dress, any jewerly, any sequins.

That is where the beauty is.

I know that having a beautiful child is a blessing but having a child whom has the beauty of Christ will solidfy all the ugliness of this world.

the heart that is where the beauty is tonite.

The White Lies will bind you/The demise is the beginning

I know if every one were honest they would say well certainly "I have told my share of lies" Then comes the well it was only a little white one.

Come on seriously just own it you are a liar.

I wish it were a word like fudged it is not as harsh to the spirit or my hears when I know you are telling a lie it breaks me just as it does Christ.

As, I have grown during the last 3 YEARS the mindfullness of being upfront and truthful has gotten me into trouble. It has hurt people!!!

I have found this mode to protect people I go with the new apporoach of the " White lies".
What am I thinking just be upfront when your husband ask "honey are you ok" be truthful don't suppress or fudge to bury it in yourself. The White Lies will bind you.

The demise is the beginning!!!!!

I let an employee go this week after much thought and 2 years of trying to witness to her I cut the tie( she lied) but,yet does it matter.

Sure it does!!! We can rationalize our twisting of anything but the consequences are far more severe when you are not a Christain.

You see Christ will forgive me. the problem is when you lie and lie and deny and deny then the circle of accountability will come full circle.

Consequences, hash and your only option is too tell more lies. Perhaps, this person will realize the need for Christ. I feel so sad over this but a conviction of laws and my relationship with God is what binds me in the end.

I recently completed a short study on preventing legal issues.

the number one thing is honesty!!

A BIBICAL PRINCIPAL WHEN APPLIED TO ANY SITUATION WOULD CERTIANLY CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF DIVORCE, OR EVEN GETTING A TICKET.

Think is it true and what impact will it have on my relationship with Christ, before speaking.

Perfection and our Annoyances of life.

I have found perfection is Christ and I am certainly not worthy to be in this same sentence. Yet I yearn to be on some levels. Some would say well that is what he desires for us. But, does he really want perfection in the avenue some seek it.

I am blessed to have this personality of "the stuff others sweat are not making me sweat" I let alot roll off my back and alot does. But some things don't and they eat @ my core. Annoyance of life can be sumed as " it is me and my desire for others to see why perfection will make you loose sight of acceptance'

Christ was both tolerant of others and intolerant of others. He has shown this is dealing with me and my faults.

I have seen couples loose sight of what God desires because they were not tolerant and that would include me in my marriage.

Now this is hard to swallow. Because, I only want certain things . What I have realized is I don't have these things because God said "No Sandy, it is not for you, not now ,maybe never" Now show me how much is this " going to hold you back from loving me and following me, and living for me, over and over, day in and day out, from morning to dark. from the begenning until the end.

I vow to not let the imperfection of others keep me from loving my GOD with all I am and through all the annoyances he sends my way.

It is to test my true character!!!!

My conclusion is the character I build through Christ will be, by the way of getting to his perfection through annoyances of life and all that I encounter in it.

Forgive, wipe the slate clean, and live knowing you are not perfect.

unable to speak@ a loss for words

If we did not have the gift of speech , how would we communicate? My mother is age 62 and has sufferred a stroke. Her most frustrating defecit from this is the loss of speech and the difficulty she has incountered of being able to communicate with others.

I see her pain and I see her wheels spinning, as she thinks, and thinks, and thinks, and thinks. Yet, she will either get it out or give up. Why does the loss of speech so greatly impact us and this cycle of life? How delicate is the wiring of our anatomy and almost magical when one thing leaves another replaces it..

I find it so hard to see this process!! Quite honestly it sucks. But it is of GOD and some don't like it. Yet, if you like it or not you must accept it and praise GOD for his gift of speech, even if you loose it.

Recall all the words you speak and look at what you say could be your last word.

How sad it would be to not tell your child you love them, or your employees they do a great job, or your teacher sorry for being disruptive, or the girl behind the counter "hope her day is better" Or your mother in-law thank's for all the times she did not intrude and thank's for the times she allowed you to discipline your child and only stand back holding her on words.

Perhap's even the times you scolded your pet. Do you recall how they repsond to your words?

So, as I deal with this loss of speech my mother is battling I look at it so differently and sometimes I am finding that I myself am at a loss for words.

The blessing is communication is from GOD speak ,think, write, read, laugh, grin, smile.

Know you are blessed by every thing that GOD gives you from the mother whom can't speak as she did but can still smile.

Lastly for your own ability to speak.

Mom I recall my first word you said I said "grandaddy in some kind of garble" You were obviously proud to teach me my first words" As I am 43 and you still recall it.

As I enter this journey of my new season with MOM I pray all my words are from GOD and not of myself.

Missing a sense but not missing your spirit. I love my MOM, she is not @ a loss for communication. Others only see her that way.

is it en-dearing or enduring

Last weekend I had a visit with a dear long time friend. Gosh I really miss her. She can always make me laugh and her just being who she is was one of the greatest things I love about her. I honestly felt so sad when she left its this natural high; followed by this natural lowish feeling. At least I did not cry this time. Friends are one of the coolest things a person could have in their life and no matter how many years pass I can always laugh over the same things we did.Patti you are one of my life lines next to Christ, I have been so blessed by your willingness to listen and just be brutally honest when I needed it.

One thing she did that I can never forget is that she talked me into trying to rollerblade( after a shot of tequila I CAN'T ROLLER SKATE,so needeless to say one shot of tequila one unsteady girl and rollerblades ;the floor called my name and down I fell- from upright in the blink of an eye to hugging the floor. thanks friend for the memories it was both en-dearing and en-during.

My visit with her this time was very personal. We shared frustrations over many things . But this time Patti was different she was so en-dearing. We talked about issues that are painful and issues that are well only what women talk about. She made a response to one of my statements and it has been in the front of my brain and on the tip of my tongue since her visit. Words stick and the wisdom of this new Patti was awesome. She told me "when someone hurts you I have learned to just accept it happens and the person whom hurts you is hurting also, Look at it like their pain must be real deep. She basically was saying just love the person and don't let it suck you dry on any given day. Wisdom and honesty sums her up.

So today was a day for being just as Christ commands and as my friend enlightened me accepting.

I visited with my son for several hours and it was both en-dearing and en-during. I see his pain and I see his love. I see Shawn like my wise friend enlightened me to.

I love being stretched for my soul to find it's place in me.

call your friends and call your love one more often.

do you live in the morning or do you live in mourning!!

I was listening to our youth pastor deliver a very well thought out message about the loss of his mother!!

Just very heartwarming!!! Yet very intense in the sense it brought emotions!!!!

I listened to the room and you could hear the tears drip/ trickle and roll down the cheeks of others. but what moved me the most was the honesty of a grown man, being so open about loss and as I sit listening ;I looked up to see three young men in our church all of whom were alone (one is married although he has been attending regularily his wife does not, which we can't judge her reasons) it is great to see him stepping in faith, the other two young men always come alone. One thing I know without a doubt Mosaic was set in Crestview to raise up grown men to be open, share faith, grow friendships and be friends whom just "share life together" and mourn together.

When you loose something for some it is their pet, their firend to war, their parent to dementia, traggic auto wreck, or just simply from being abandoned by them, or to drugs ,even to their job.
For others it is thier grandparent their sister/brother/husband/ wife, other and then their is- divorce " a world of its own".

i recall my loss and I mourn. But, mostly I live in the morning and live in mourning . We are granted by grace to mourn for a time. but when you are alive and feel the grief but try to hide it from others that is when you can say you live in the morning and death or loss finds you alone it is when you feel the grief and hopelessness creeps in that is when you live in mourning.

We should be open about the loss just as our youth pastor was and the anger we carry will not harbor. You can't only be ok in the morning or when other's are around you must be ok in the stillness, in the dark, in the nite.

i am 43 as of recent and I have encountered ,much loss .

DEATH,DIVORCE, HEALTH, FINANCIAL, DISSAPOINMENT AND THE LIST COULD CONTINUE FOR WHAT I HAVE SURVIVED. BUT, WHEN IT IS GONE THAT IS EASY TO MOURN AND MOVE ONWARD AFTER A WHILE.

the things I encounter that are difficult to move away from are the ones God wants me to grown from. I am open to say I don't like the growth.

A marriage failling, a wife not fighting for it to grow, a sister searching for complete forgiveness, a mother searching for her son and his smile, a person whom loves her job but, dislikes parts of what i am having to do in the job. A mom whom finds it not so easy to see her daughter grow up. a sister whom so desires to see her mother in better health.

Please pray taht I seek to grow as God intends and not just simply choose to live in the morning and live in mourning.

I want to seek God in all hours when the sun is up and when the sun goes down.

Scott you did your mother proud and you heavenly father tips his hat to you ( so to speak)

i understand the big picture!!!!!!

addiction to crack!!!! i hate those words!!! they love me!!!

First let me clarify I am not an addict to anything but broken people, and I sometimes dislike this burden God has placed in heart. I can hear some words and know they are meant for me to hear.



Today a person whom I enjoyed watch play his drums and talk with was the topic of a conversastion in our church and is also the topic of the community. Adiction is so difficult to understand or even want to try and understand for many. But it is very personal in my life and my heart hurts when I think about how people lable the person such a demon,and never go past the demon to get to the heart.



Jesus Christ commands us to walk amongst these very people and it is most unsettling that we stop when the demon comes out. I am one of those people to a degree.



But my degree is because it affects me my life, my heart ,my head, my everything. My son is an addict and I hurt so bad when I see his number come up on my caller ID, because of fear for death. That is where I loose the battle and the demon wins. I can't meet him in his brokeness. I loose, he looses and the demon wins. crack addiction!!!



What we as followers must do is pray that GOD will come into the addiction and the need for more is filled no longer a crack. Only solid wall,solid steele. Nothing can huff and puff to blow their world away. I pray this for my son, for all the others.



I pray that crack cocaine is removed from this city and those whom bow down to it. I cringe when I hear those words but they love me and they keep coming up in my conversastions with

others. it affects me in my sleep, in my meal time, in my personal time,



I pray we don't see others face fear as they did this past week because of addiction to

C_R_A_C_K. Lets make this city one whom can love beyond the brokeness.



Pray for me as a mom!!!!

What was your budget in 2010,Are u- n the red

The sutuation of this economy has really sucked the life from so many. Yet are you sure it has sucked the life or just your air and desire to breath. The great difference to life and air is the breath and your personl choice to breath : to live is the diffrence in survival and dying.


You may be facing the economy and realizing you have been in a job for 20 years and now see that a potential threat of your career being gone is your reality. What will you do or how will you react?


Grace is easy under some terms but when we think about the fact that God controls every thing it really makes it difficult to overcome some issues for new belivers and the fact is "I would find this hard to over come and even yes outloud "why me God". Listing behind that so many tributes and reasons for his grace to be over me beause" I Sandy did these things for him after all" so why me?


Simple yet complex. he doesn't give me a reason nor does he always put the resolution in bold before my days of double vision. It was as if I speak of God but he did not speak of me. It took me years to figure why that was. I just needed to see clear. God does not have a shadow nor a haze he is vivid, he is that "master of clarity".


Look at Job: come on is really the fact that you need to give up Starbucks,Wendys or Ryans Steak house a big deal. A small sacrifice when we look at Job. His loss, his tragic sense of abondonment by loved ones, his mental anguish, his slowly to pass days filled with all of these things were more than a testament to God; GOD BE THE GLORY, BECAUSE HE WAS AND IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE.


How many times was he in the Red and his budget at the end did not matter ,all that did was GOD.


I firmly know that what is allowed by GOD is for GOD.


Example in 2002 I was truly sick and at times questioned if I would live into the year 2003

Out of work unemployed and unable to work. Living in a home where we had no heat but the fireplace, with no air, but a window fan (for one long summer);until we got a window unit. this home was built in 1912 and not insulated.

The first year the water pipes burst. So, I learned to be a patchy plumber, the stove pipes blew off the house, so I learned to climb the ladder and put the pipes back together, the floor was caving in so I crawled under the house and jacked it up, so we could replace a support beam. I know this home was not ideal nor was it the best times in my life emotionally, physically, the one thing for certain is that I was disconnected spirtually.


Being disconnected it takes alot to get your attention at times and it got mine finally. From living very comfortable to living very hard, from good health to facing fear of death with bad health,from having a son menatlly stable and independent to having one fall so far, I still can't rescue him. Defeated in so many areas of my life was raw and it made me angry.

So when I questioned God he gave me his answers; what the crap, did they mean? As I looked @ filing my taxes earlier this year I reviewd my income over the past few years and consumed it was very interesting in that I had years of greater income and greater controversy in my life. It seemed to flow together, and years of poverty followed by the grace of God, when I was @ my lowest God was @ his peak. I learned to be a plumber, fix pipes, replace support beams, love nature, became more and more intense about writing, and more spiritual. Learned to love life even with the hardships. I vowed to be the parent God wanted and then he said now you must be the wife I am making,(endurance).

I became passionate about the flowers in nature, and was so perplexed about the vast array of different species of animals. To see a deer @ my front door, chilling @ their comfort level in thier own atmosphere, where I was welcomed into. The year to year prance of the wild turkeys, as the "Tom" would drag his beautiful vibriant beard across the sand , and grass. To watch seemingly a trooper blind armadilla enter my yard to be chased away by our guarding minuture collie, over and over the chase would continue.

Surrounded by wild berries, sitting on a porch listening ,in the stillness of the rapid flutter of a humingbird as they fight over my "sugar red dyed filled homemade feeder". I would sit for hours watching this remarkable creation, filled with almost a sense of becoming their advocate to see whom would win the feeder. I knew them by colors and by their personality.

Watched my husband fill the summer evening's by gathering berries to make Jelly from brier berries to blue berries. He was filled with a great sense of accomplishment when he poured the mason jars and listened for the intense heated click of the 'poppong lid", it echoed through the massive kitchen, into our bedroom at the oddest of hours a sign his jelly was set. He supplemented our income one summer by selling the berries. I must say I miss those times in my marriage.

God gave me times to grow, to learn to love his power and to surrender all my fears during those years.

The blessing would come by the form of a young pastor whom entered my life by the path God set him on. He was not sent to rescue me from anything but to give me a true glimpse of what God will do for you. I never thought I did not know God nor that he did not know me. I just always thought I had the southern baptist right to question "why".

I now look into the remainer of 2010 and can see the times I questioned him only prolonged his answer. I enjoy reading the Bible and even have come to understand it more and more.

I reminence @ the old home and the old me and the youth of this pastor whom God gave so much wisdom to and know God tested me to see how much of the red I would purge through to see his colors of the rainbow.

My budget is not about the dollar or the huge home or the comfort of central heat and air. It is more and more about God and filling the corners of my defective personality, defective ailing body, growing spirit, seeking soul with his son Jesus Christ.

I welcome you to find those things that are obstacles as an advantage and a chance for growth. Plan the next budget with the view God is giving you and just sacrifice it will be surfice.

God you loved me in the beginning and I am learing to love you finally in the end.

Thank you for sending someone from the city to view the country. "James Ross " thanks for your support and sharing your wife and family with me and my growing spirit.

you are fired!

What do you do when you need to make someone realize "yes I was listening " you have to put a nice person out of work. that is bull crap.But, also required to keep peace. Sometimes, we let people go in our life that in all reality you would prefer to keep in your life. This is most painful. But sometime it is not. I have let 3 employees go over 12 months. One transferred due to a situation( that was required by administration, it was politics and sometimes I hate this part of my job) yet sometimes it leads me down the road I have been going around. I fight this urge to not be a part of the world, but be set apart from the world and hence I am realizing Jesus gives me that direction in the form of letting employees go, asking one to transfer, terminating 2 one was for just reason and the recent was although just, I felt I could have trained her to get where she needed to be. In time maybe that time was 1 or 2 years but it takes us 12 years by american society to get the education/ we are told is required. Yet others expect people to learn on the same level they do. My inner peace is realizng this need in others. But, the co-workers didn't agree and since we have put ourselves (as the world on a clock it is inevitable that I would not be granted this time ). These choices are so hard and sometimes so fleshly painful. I hate to cry but when the milk has been spilt it gives me that sense to just cry. This was by far the easiest Donald Trump move I have ever had to implement. The terminated employee hugged my neck and said you were so patient with me and I know I just am out of my league, she was grateful for the chance and I was grateful for her brief entrance into my life. the package on the outside is not always what is covered on the inside. This road is meant for something I just have to keep driving.

So, I was left with this sense of relief for the ease it went with, and a certain emotion of failure. To question myself was I honoring God or was I only giving into the path of least road hazardous,maybe doing just what Satan would want. Seem so confused. I can only say that at this moment God lifts me to say. I did not have the tweleve desciples with my son, without the knowledge one of them would betray him . So, it is evident I am to be very selective in my choices, but also know some of them are predestined to direct my heart. I can sleep well after this thought because I am doing what God directs me as the best for healthcare. His peolple are my people and I am ceratnily responsible to have the people in leadership that can implement "better healtcare"direction to this is guided by those driving.

When you hear the words your are fired, use every instinct God gives you to not judge the person as unfit only not meant for the puzzle you are trying to put together. For in time they could be the center piece to your next master piece.

I am reading this great book "LEAD BY THE CARPENTER" LOOK FOR IT.

IT IS GIVING ME SOME REALLY GOOD INSIGHT TO FIX BROKEN PEOLPE AND BROKEN ISSUE IN MYSELF.

I ONLY WANT TO BE USED BY GOD AND PRAY I AM SEEING WHEN IT ISN'T BEING DONE UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP.